Wealthy Caucasian liberals, your prayers have been answered! No more roaming the streets, risking catching poor disease, or paying illegal immigrants far below an ethical wage to feel like you’re taking the fight to racism! A new start-up has taken the nation by storm: MyMessiah, which arranges a meeting between the user and a brown person in trouble. The way it works is simple: the user selects a time and place for the meeting, and chooses one of a number of incidents to work with, such as a brown person having a flat tire, or spilling their bag of groceries, to more elaborate situations. Prices for the app are not cheap, starting at $500 for the simplest encounter, but this hasn’t stopped it from achieving resounding success.
The app hasn’t just been a hit financially – user reviews are overwhelmingly positive. Sean Flaherty, a sociology professor from Berkley, CA had the following to say – “MyMessiah’s been a godsend, pardon the pun. Just the other day, I paid the small price of $1200 to be able to save a poor brown man in trouble. He was a humble merchant from Ethiopia, with his caravan goods spilled all over the sidewalk. This MAGA hat wearing thug was shouting at him, ‘Take your frankincense and ivory and lapis lazuli and go back to Myos Hormos, you dirty Abyssinian’ until I stepped in, appalled at what I saw, and told that coward to go back to 4chan instead. The merchant was so impressed by my courage he kissed my feet and the ground I walked on before heading off on his camel. It was amazing – it’s way more rewarding than calling people racist on the internet.”
Sarah Worthington, head of HR at a major Portland, OR based corporation, had a similarly glowing review: “Using MyMessiah, I met a poor soul who had just come here from somewhere in Asia – Indmalaysianam, I believe, and he was just beside himself with grief, because he wanted to open up a restaurant catering to his own culture’s rich culinary traditions, but due to cultural appropriation the competition was just too stiff. I patted him on the back, and assured him I would make sure he could sell as many egg rolls as he pleased one day, and that the American genocide against his people would be avenged. He was so uplifted by my kind and knowledgeable words he, and everyone else around us, gathered around and clapped. I’ve never felt better about my selfless ways in my life.”
MyMessiah’s users aren’t the only ones happy with its services – the workers it employs give unanimous praise to it as well. Carl Aoun, a software engineer from San Francisco, says that “It makes a huge amount of money as a side job. My family actually came over from Lebanon in 1910, so we’ve been pretty settled here in America for a while, but basically I just work with a speech coach to make sure my accent’s on point, and just play up how foreign I’m supposed to be. Sometimes I’m from Afghanistan, sometimes Egypt, it doesn’t really matter since most customers can’t tell the difference anyways.” Likewise, Csaba Nagy says working for MyMessiah is “a dream”, stating “I’m from Hungary, but as long as I keep a tan no one really catches on that I’m white. It’s not like they [the customers] actually know enough about accents to be any the wiser. They just assume I’m from Paraguay, or Tajikistan or something equally exotic. As long as you play to their whole ‘white man’s burden’ thing of protecting poor brown folk the dollars just roll in”
The good news doesn’t stop there: rumour has it that MyMessiah users may even be granted verified status on Twitter if they spend more than $15000 in one month, though this has yet to be confirmed. You can find MyMessiah wherever apps are sold.