Trudeau Aide Dr. Pestilence: “International Travel Must Continue”

Responding to criticism levelled against the Trudeau government by Ontario Premier Doug Ford, senior Trudeau aide Dr. Pestilence rejected suggestions to shut down international travel altogether during a press conference this Friday.

“Absolutely forbidden, out of the question. Just think of, ah yes, the economy” Dr. Pestilence was quoted as saying whilst clutching a staff surmounted with human skulls.

“Fools, think of the damage that would be done to international scholars. To be forced to discontinue their studies due simply to their precious, exotic strains, it is unfathomable. Yes, flights shall continue [minute long pause while Dr. Pestilence licks the dripping saliva from his lips]. There will be no further debate on the matter.”

When asked if he thought it hypocritical to demand Canadians remain in lockdown while allowing continued flights to Canada from countries rife with new and potentially dangerous strains of COVID, Dr. Pestilence was quoted as saying “Mere peons should concern themselves only with their mundane and worthless lives. You cannot possibly fathom the depths of my knowledge in such matters, be it plague or statecraft, fools” before casting a hex on the reporter in question, causing him to break out into bloody lesions and vomit rats before collapsing dead.

Prime Minister Trudeau was unavailable for comment, though he was seen descending into a fog filled stairway in Parliament in mysterious black robes.


Bold: Doug Ford Plans To Airlift 500 Tons Of Toronto’s Liquid Shit and Dump It Over Northern Communities

In an audacious new plan announced this Friday, Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced plans to transport roughly 500 tons of liquid excrement from Toronto sewers and dump it over several Northern Ontario communities, including Sudbury and Sault Ste. Marie.

When asked the reasoning behind his decision, Ford simply responded “Fuck it” before running off to board a helicopter to attend a conference in Ottawa.

The move has many Northerners grumbling, but local politicians assure their constituencies that the move is in fact a boon to the economically stagnant area.

“We have lots of land ripe for this kind of venture, and frankly it’s time we stop being so selfish and lend a helping hand to our friends down south” said one Thunder Bay city council member who wished to remain anonymous, speaking over the sound of many dozen cash sorters.

While many are upset by the prospects of randomly being coated in the GTA’s raw sewage, economists point out that amid the turmoil caused by the current lockdown, this could in fact save the North from certain financial doom. “When you look at the numbers, this really is a miracle in disguise” assures William Holland of the University of Ottawa. “Northern Ontario’s teetering on economic collapse, and as the pandemic and lockdown worsen and unemployment continues to climb, it needs all the help it can get.”

Though controversial, it has been unanimously agreed to be a far softer stimulus for the North compared to its proposed alternative, “Hick Hunting” in which helicopter safaris would be offered to paying customers to thin out the undesirables of working class Northerners with a high powered rifle.

All in all, we think it’s safe to say the future looks bright for the North! Just make sure to keep those windows closed!

Disaster: Syringe Golem Escapes Soo Lab

SAULT STE. MARIE, ONTARIO: An incident at a local laboratory has resulted in the creation and subsequent escape of a golem like creature composed entirely of hypodermic needles.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this – it was supposed to be a beautiful creature, a creature to educate the city on the dangers of substance abuse!” says the golem’s father, Dr. Anthony Russo.

The creature is described as being roughly 6′ tall, and very likely HIV positive.

“My calaculations were flawless – I piled a bunch of needles I found throughout town into a man-shaped mold and tossed a used condom into the mix to give it life, a soul! Yet my child, when he was awakened through a powerful electrical current, escaped after beholding his own reflection.”

Locals claim seeing a long procession of local drug addicts making a pilgrimage to what may well be the creature in question, reputed to be hiding in a dumpster in the Jamestown area.

“I see them day and night. They bring addresses written on pieces of paper and offerings of bikes, and it returns lumbering in the dead of night with whatever loot it can carry” claims Marjorie Wellington, a local resident.

“You can find it by following the trail of needles and listen for its distinctive howl. It’s really hard to miss, it’s passed out drunk in the middle of the street half the time.”

In spite of the apparent danger in a walking biohazard, and multiple reports to the contrary, city officials have refused to acknowledge its existence, insisting it’s simply the ramblings of local residents deprived of bike lanes to de-stress in these trying times.

Anyone who has any information regarding the whereabouts of the creature is asked to contact Dr. Russo.

Report: “Human Pavement” Service For Wealthy Torontonians Boost To Economy

Money, and also a graph

In some much needed good news, city council has unveiled a new plan to revitalize the Soo’s economy: a downtown based “human pavement” service catered towards wealthy Torontonians. Stepping Stones offers customers the speediest and most comfortable human pavement service in Ontario. How it works is simple: using GPS coordinates, verified users will be tracked, and their predicted path will be “paved” by Sooites, paid roughly 10 cents per “step”, who will cast themselves on the ground ensuring the customer’s feet are never sullied by the barren earth below. Premium customers also receive a complimentary cudgel.

While the service may sound tempting to many, only customers who can prove they have a net worth of at least $400,000 may use it.

“My wife and I are originally from Markham, but things were just getting way too out of hand down there with property prices and the lockdown. Now, here, there’s nothing but cheap real estate and dirty poors to kick. It’s like heaven!” according to satisfied customer Felix Falcomata.

“It’s great, me and my children together have probably bought up 5 properties by now, in cash” says Joseph Wu of North York.

“I got about 3 places under my belt so far” says Maxine Williams of Mississauga. “My only real complaints are that it didn’t look like some of the stones, as we call them [Stepping Stones employees] weren’t wearing any masks, and to be frank this city could be a lot more diverse. I only hope these ignorant trailer trash learn the error of their ways before it’s too late”.

Reviews continue to beam with excitement for the service, as wealthy Canadians from all over the country are allegedly looking to relocate to the Soo as well.

While some locals fear the massive influx of affluent migrants could spell disaster for future homeowners in the city, and already well inflated cost of living could continue to soar, experts have assured us that with any luck, the city’s wealthy should pull through these difficult times unharmed.

Tragic: Local Man Renowned For Ability to Smoke 20 Cigars Simultaneously Has Succumbed to COVID

If you thought COVID was only a threat to the elderly, think again.

Local Soo man Leslie Vytautas, 25, a local celebrity famous for his ability to fit 20 Cuban cigars in his mouth and smoke them all simultaneously, has tragically died from complications related to COVID-19.

A close-up of the foot of a dead person in a morgue. A blank tag is attached to the toe.

“I just can’t believe he’s really gone” said Leslie’s closest friend, Mitch Robinson.

“We were best buddies at the Plant. I used to laugh and laugh when he would just inhale the fumes from the lathes like a vacuum cleaner until his eyes were bloodshot. Afterwords, we would go for a beer or thirty and eat our own bodyweight in poutine.”

Leslie’s crew remember him fondly as a likeable and funny man, often taking off his respirator in the coke ovens and pretending to choke like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall.

“He was a big guy and he’s left a big hole in our hearts” recalls another coworker, who wishes to remain anonymous. “To think COVID could take down a 350 lbs monster like Leslie, it really opens your eyes.”

The sobering experience has left Mitch with this to say to those who don’t take the pandemic seriously: “If it can happen to a guy in the prime of his life like Leslie, it can happen to you too.”

Dream Boss! Jeff Bezos Reveals He Will Be Buried Alongside Top 500 Amazon Employees

As if Amazon couldn’t wow us any more than they already have, we’ve recently learned that Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos plans to go out with a bang – and he wants 500 of his most dedicated employees to go with him!

Bezos revealed that, upon his death, he intends to hold a lavish funeral which will culminate in the live burial of his 500 best performing workers. Amazon spokeswoman Amanda Khatchaturian has the full details:

“Upon Mr. Bezos’ demise, he has specifically requested that he be buried in a gigantic sarcophagus of lapis lazuli, the lid of which is carved to portray his slumbering likeness, with the main body of the sarcophagus featuring details of his life, all exquisitely inlaid in gold. At the mandated time, the lucky employees chosen by His Pristine Brilliance will be brought into the burial chamber in groups of 20, where they will recite their cries of mourning and beat their chests. They will then be given many bowl fulls of wine, before each will be struck on the head and buried alive in rows, the first group being on the same level as His Departed Magnificence, and continuing some 30 feet until all 500 have rejoined their master in the life to come.”

“At the moment we’re still constructing the tomb itself, which should be complete by around 2030. We fear with the changing climate we may see yet more of our selfless contractors may succumb to the elements in their Amazon mandated mobile cages, but we anticipate through sheer force of will, we can get this done ahead of schedule.”

The tomb will be marked by a grand pyramid at a site close by Amazon’s Seattle HQ, and will feature a majestic display of a zeret bird carrying Bezos into the afterlife, composed entirely of precious gemstones.

Rumour has it Amazon Prime members will have the ability to visit the tomb prior to its public unveiling, so bear that in mind next time you think about cancelling your subscription!

Heroic: Police Save Elderly Woman’s Life During Illegal New Year’s Gathering By Tossing Her Out Window

MONTREAL, QUEBEC: Police narrowly rescued an elderly woman from potential COVID-19 infection and likely death during an illegal gathering this New Year’s Eve, saving Canada from yet another casualty from the virus.

Isabelle Richelieu, 86, was subjected by her ” utterly thoughtless” family to the threat of COVID when her selfless neighbours notified the police of the gathering.

“I saw probably four cars in the driveway, and I thought that just can’t be right.” says neighbour Michel Beauchamp. “Ms. Richelieu’s a smoker, her kidneys are failing, and she’s quite old, so I just knew it would be trouble for her.”

“It’s just unbelievable her family would violate lockdown like that. How hard is it to just stay at home?” Mr. Beauchamp, a lawyer currently working remotely from home, has the thanks of the city for his quick thinking.

Officers responding to the complaint were quick to act: knowing the severe danger COVID poses to the elderly, one officer calmly covered Ms. Richelieu’s mouth by slamming her into the wall in a manner similar to a battering ram, and then lifting her overhead and tossing her out a nearby window.

Ms. Richelieu’s son, Hubert, was also shot in the head at point blank range with a shotgun and her infant grandson tazed in the incident “for refusing to stop crying”.

Her cat was also reportedly “slammed repeatedly into the ground like a sack of oranges” for attacking officers upon arrival.

The wall Ms. Richelieu was allegedly rammed into

Ms. Richelieu is expected to awake from her coma any day now, “a much preferable alternative to death, we can all agree.”

“I can’t wait to see her when she gets back” says Mr. Beauchamp. “I’m sure the new face she’s getting transplanted after her old one was shattered in twain against the wall will be lovely.”

Authorities urge citizens to be mindful of public safety, and refrain from violating lockdown, as Canada pulls through this crisis together.

Yes! Paesano’s New Ad Campaign Swaps Children With Changelings Who Are Programmed To Sing Ads To Their Parents

Paesano’s, famous for their radio advertisements mimicking well known songs, have gone above and beyond the call of duty in their latest ad campaign. No longer content with simply composing jingles on the airwaves, many Saultites have reported their children and siblings have suddenly began speaking exclusively of the great savings available at Paesano’s.

Rob Kowak, a local parent, has more:

“I was in the living room reading the paper, when my son comes marching down the stairs, going on and on singing about bone-in turkey breasts and hams on sale right now to the tune of Fly Me to the Moon. Anything I’d say to him, his eyes would just go black, like an animal’s, and he’d start again right from the top. He wouldn’t really stop until I actually went out and bought whatever it is he was singing about.”

“I remember he [Mr. Kowak’s son] had a birth mark on his right shoulder, but I don’t see it there anymore, so I’m starting to think he isn’t really my son. He looks and acts just like him, but every now and then, he’ll just start singing about new deals. If I ignore him he just stares at me. If he catches me with groceries from another store he just shrieks and tosses them to the ground”.

Mr. Kowak isn’t the only parent experiencing this issue, with at least 15 other individuals in the Soo, and a handful of others in neighbouring communities reporting similar phenomena.

“On the one hand, I want to know what happened to my real son. On the other hand, you know, truth be told, a good deal’s a good deal. And you gotta hand it to them, they put a lot of effort into their ads.”

Controversial: City To Extend Bike Lanes Into Homes

In what’s proving to be a highly controversial move, city council has decided to go ahead with a proposal to expand the city’s now extensive network of bike lanes into the homes of Saultites. A spokesman for city council elaborates on the new plans:

“We’re simply asking those residents impacted by this change keep their doors open, preferably at least three feet wide, and keep the lane inside their home unobstructed. Don’t worry about anything else, the city will paint a clear path on the floor indicating where cyclists are permitted to ride.”

When asked what residents were to do in the winter, when open doors and windows will significantly cool a home, residents were advised to make use of bonfires maintained every three hours or so.

“We are also confident this will reduce the city’s skyrocketing break and enter incidents by downgrading them to simply enters. “

Scoundrels run amok in the Soo, behold this tale of most dire news

Something rotten is afoot in the Soo, for caitiffs may operate in plain view

With the passage of the sun and the moon, nary a soul can claim to be immune

To the injustices of such swindlers, whom are free to pilfer with gleeful ardour

Those meagre possessions one may hold dear, purchased only through living most austere

An honest day’s labour cast to the wind, a phenomenon quite frequently spin’d

Ground oneself and hear this my tale of woe, for in my heart great sorrow further grows

Merely one night ago a thief trespassed, and before my very eyes he harassed

My stalwart golden retriever and I, as he had turned my lawn into a sty

Hitherto maintained in a pristine state, gardenias now trampled neath wheels of hate

My toolbox in hand a shrill cry rang out, with words so cruel my heart began to rout

“Fuck you, goof” he said riding caracole, his tongue a dagger that could pierce any soul

His motorbike a wicked steed of steel, luxurious steel-toe boots guard his heel

Leather gloves protect his thieving fingers, upon which the scent of cigarettes lingers

Clearly he was a man not lacking wealth, riches the detriment of others’ health

I stepped forth and attempted to give chase, mud whipped from his tires splashed upon my face

As ephemeral as the morning dew, he was quickly disappearing from view

Alas he turned once more into the fray, he rode past shouting “also your dog’s gay”

Toolbox in hand he disappeared from sight, to all others he shall remain a blight

Heart laden with woe I turned to face home, only to witness my own fall of Rome

Scrawled upon my garage door in full view, the words “Goon” and the love of Baby Blue

As ferrous powder settles from the sky, yet more scoundrels from my garage did fly

My car swiftly ransacked and my tires slashed, far from my view the miscreants had dashed

My harrowing yarn now comes to an end, a plea for help to the Soo I do send

I expect all to read this faithfully, accepting those comments made tastefully

May the sun set on this most awful day, and for the record my dog is not gay

Thus ends this man’s most tragic tale, whose toolbox is now up for sale

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