AUSTIN, TX – Police have cordoned off a local school after a man allegedly broke through the window and began attacking the children within. The standoff has now entered its second hour, and it is currently not known how many people are still trapped inside the building. According to Stacy Ritter, a teacher who managed to escape, the man “crashed through the window and immediately began windmilling every child in sight”.
The man, whose identity is not yet known, is apparently connected to an experiment being conducted at a nearby research lab. According to Dr. Cole Stephenson, “We just wanted to prove pit bulls are not inherently violent, and it comes down to the owner and not the breed. We swapped his [the man’s] brain with a pit bull’s and everything was fine at first, but then he saw a kid riding a bike outside and went berserk. My God, it wasn’t supposed to be like this!”
Dr. Stephenson’s account has been corroborated by a trail of unconscious children leading to the lab, most of whom appear to have been “clotheslined, tombstoned, dropkicked, you name it”. While a traumatic experience, most victims are expected to make a full recovery, though it is unknown how many remain within the school. While the aim of the experiment appears to have been a failure, Dr. Stephenson has noted that “it is interesting he decided to perform wrestling moves on those he wishes to attack, instead of biting them as one would expect” suggesting a “utilitarian approach to the attacks, as human jaws are much less powerful than those of a pit bull”.