A Must-Read Guide Through This Valentine’s Day!

Valentine’s Day is RIGHT NOW, and if you aren’t careful you can end up having a mediocre Thursday, which would effectively spell your doom. Keep these five things in mind for guaranteed success.


If he messages you with “Hey” or “What’s up”, forget about it.

Ladies, something that must be made absolutely clear is that if a potential date introduces himself with something like “Hello” or “Hey, how’s it going?” not only is he not the one, he’s probably a wanted felon as well. The ideal mate should instead know your every desire and interest a priori. If he messages you with a “I also enjoy The Big Bang Theory and think that Stacy was a real bitch to you today” without ever having interacted with you, he’s a sure bet.

He should make at least $100,000 more than you. If not, stab him with a fork.

It’s well known that chivalry is dead. At no other time is this more evident than when some idiot poor thinks he can date you, like the plague infested peasant he is. If your date is unwilling to disclose his current salary, and in the event he does and it’s less than $100,000 than your own, it is entirely within your right as a strong, independent woman looking out for her own economic future to stab him in the eye with a fork while shrieking. Cheque, please! And make him pay for it!

Guys and gals: eating habits are important.

Everyone can learn a little something from this tidbit. When taking your date out on a nice romantic steak dinner, observe them closely. What you’re looking for is that after all the meat on that steak is eaten, your date should without hesitation break open the bone to suck out the marrow. Failure to do so suggests they’re frivolous with their money, and would make a poor partner. If your date’s vegetarian or vegan, ask the waiter to bring a bare bone for them and do not leave the table until they’ve made their decision whether this relationship is going anywhere or not.

Astrology’s great, but don’t forget other resources at your disposal

Your horoscope might be able to predict whether your date is the one 90% of the time, but that doesn’t mean you should forget about the other forms of divination available to you. Try using haruspicy or casting bird bones and interpreting how they fall. A personal favourite is to find a well, ask your question, and determine the answer very simply: silence is “no”, and a loud scream means “yes”.

Red is the colour of love. It is also the colour of war.

Red lipstick, or a red dress can convey many different intentions – romantic desire, or an attempt to strike you down at your weakest. There are a few things to keep in mind if your date is wearing the colour red:

  1.  A red nose means you’re dating a clown
  2.  Red teeth means your date is well fed
  3.  A red plaid suit means your date is likely Don Cherry
  4.  Red shoes means your date is also a clown
  5.  A combination of the above indicates a dangerous encounter with a man-eating Clown Cherry. It is advisable to run.

Hopefully that clears a few things up. And remember, no matter what happens during your date, nothing is your fault, and if your date isn’t perfect they don’t deserve you anyways, and you should never make any attempts at self-improvement. Happy Valentine’s!



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