Vermont senator and presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders has begrudgingly admitted to media outlets today that he will be running against his twin brothers Hernie, Splernie, Kernie and Jernie during the upcoming 2020 presidential elections. The news comes as a surprise, as the twins have hitherto shied away from any media spotlight.
Bernie himself was apparently unaware of the development, as he was greeted by his twins at a press conference this Tuesday to his apparent surprise and dismay, as he rested his head in his arms during the conference. In an effort to limit any confusion, we have summarized the platforms of each brother and have provided some basic background info for each:
Hernie Sanders: Eldest of the brothers, completely bald with a red bulbous nose. Usually smokes a pipe, wears a red suit and is allergic to peanuts. Professor of Mauryan Studies at Cambridge. Vows an 80% income tax for the rich, free healthcare and education, and the replacement of the bald eagle as America’s icon with his Siamese cat Maung Minh.
Splernie: Second eldest, has a grey pompadour and moustache. Large forehead. Wears brown tweed jackets and cracks his knuckles often. Known to eat lizards. Electric car salesman. Vows 70% income tax for the rich, free healthcare and horse for all to reduce America’s carbon footprint.
Kernie: Second youngest, tan with a goatee. Known for his distinct kepi. Made his fortune producing and selling scratch and sniff legos to underprivileged youth. Proposes 90% income tax for the poor and the creation of three viceroy positions to govern the west, centre and east of the country. Ends conversations by making devil horns with his hands and crossing his arms in front of his chest.
Jernie: Youngest of the brothers. Wears a Corinthian helmet at all times. Can walk but chooses to drag himself. Famed underground wrestler. Lost his left big toe to a group of hungry pigeons. Served as a buoy in the Gulf of Tonkin and killed a drifter in 1989. Proposes to feed the homeless with the deep fried money of the rich.
The quintuplets’ entry into the upcoming elections has provided yet more confusion as news has surfaced that fellow Democrats Cory Booker has given birth to a carbon copy of himself through mitosis and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has exiled herself to the jungles of Laos in a bid to end colonialism. Sanders’ announcement was initially viewed as a game-changer for the Democrats, but with the entry of his brothers all of that remains uncertain. Which twin will emerge victorious in this struggle? Will they choose to combine their powers in a show of brotherly love and jointly run as the first quintuplet presidents in American history? Only time will tell.