Turkey threatens to unleash waves of pan-Turkists online if foreign investment doesn’t return

Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan has threatened to unleash an unprecedented number of pan-Turkists upon the internet should foreign investors not return to Turkish markets amid the ongoing Lira crisis. The threat, which Erdoğan revealed to Turkish parliament, would be part of a planned Tsunami Harekatı or “Operation Tsunami”, which would entail thousands of users registering on popular sites such as YouTube or Twitter and disseminating questionable statements regarding the kinship of Turkic peoples, and alleged Turkic origins of many contemporary and historical civilizations.

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The UN Security Council has since held an emergency session to discuss the impending crisis. An anonymous source told reporters the following: “Things are already bad with pseudo-historical claims being spammed by Turks online. You can see a video about Attila the Hun and there’ll be hundreds of comments about how he was a great Turk warrior, despite no one actually knowing who the Huns were ethno-linguistically, or something about Genghis Khan and you’ll see the same thing, even though he was clearly Mongol. That’s like saying Cardinal Richelieu was the greatest German, or Alexander the Great was a great Roman because there’s some cultural exchange present. As long as you ride a horse and practice archery it makes you a god damn Turk apparently. If this is only the tip of the iceberg, we’re in big trouble.”

While details about a potential defense are scarce, rumours abound that the UNSC may authorise a nuclear strike against Ankara if “one more motherfucker says Magyars are Turks, or some other such nonsense”, and Chinese ships have been spotted outside northern Cyprus as a “guarantor against some shit for brains saying the Han are also Turks”. Investors have been wary of Turkish markets since the Lira’s recent plummet, and most economists agree are unlikely to return any time soon.

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