News round-up:Wu-Tang, Ukraine and more


Conservationists warn: Wu-Tang Clan on brink of extinction

The World Wildlife Fund has warned in a recent report that the Wu-Tang Clan is now critically endangered. The alarming news comes as poachers continue targeting the iconic rap group, the members of whom are highly prized in traditional Chinese medicine – a tooth from the Method Man can reportedly fetch a price as high as $90, 000 USD. Just this Thursday, it was revealed on social media that Ghostface Killah was shot simply for his nail clippings – should such acts continue unopposed, the Wu-Tang Clan is expected to be extinct within the next decade.


Mysterious ships that are not Russian blockade and capture Ukrainian Navy vessels

Tensions are high in Ukraine as three Ukrainian Navy vessels were blockaded in the Kerch Strait and their crews captured by definitely not Russian ships belonging to a navy that is not the Russian Navy. A Ukrainian tugboat was also rammed by one of the mystery vessels. Several members of the Ukrainian government, including Prime Minister Petro Poroshenko and Oleksandr Turchynov, Secretary of the National Security and Defence Council of Ukraine have stated that the incident is an act of war by the elusive culprits. Similar aggression was perpetrated in 2014 when strange soldiers belonging to no known nation and certainly not that of the Russian Federation invaded and annexed the Crimean Peninsula. Theories as to the identity of the culprits include the equally mysterious Sea People who terrorized Egypt in antiquity.


Celebrities come out in support of Central American migrant caravan

Numerous intellectuals, celebrities and media personalities have proclaimed their support for the migrant caravan currently at the US-Mexico border, seeking entry under the pretense of asylum. Many have asked – without those migrants, who will clean America’s toilets? Or mow its lawns? Or work on poultry farms? Protesters have issued an impassioned plea for decency towards one’s fellow humans, for upholding America’s role in the world as a shelter for the impoverished and underprivileged, and most importantly for the ability to pay some dirty poor less than half the legal wage for menial labour.


Presence of bubonic plague, raging infernos lead some experts to declare California a hellish vision of God’s fury

The recent resurgence of the Black Death, seemingly insatiable wildfires, extortionate living costs, ubiquitous droughts and hordes of the homeless have lead many experts to believe the state of California is witnessing its own localized apocalypse, having incurred the wrath of God. While the purported causes of His holy fury remain contentious, some hypotheses range from divine reaction to the unprecedented levels of Man’s hubris, to the spiteful spirit of Antonio López de Santa Anna persuading the Big Guy to smite the Yanquis.


President of Chad makes historic visit to Israel

Idriss Déby made an historic visit to Israel this Sunday to renew ties between the two nations. The move, a major diplomatic feat for Israel given Chad’s status as a predominantly Muslim nation, was all the more significant for the announcement of the League of Nations That Are Also First Names, or LNTAAFN, which thusfar includes Israel, Chad, Georgia, and Jordan.




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