Report: “Human Pavement” Service For Wealthy Torontonians Boost To Economy

Money, and also a graph

In some much needed good news, city council has unveiled a new plan to revitalize the Soo’s economy: a downtown based “human pavement” service catered towards wealthy Torontonians. Stepping Stones offers customers the speediest and most comfortable human pavement service in Ontario. How it works is simple: using GPS coordinates, verified users will be tracked, and their predicted path will be “paved” by Sooites, paid roughly 10 cents per “step”, who will cast themselves on the ground ensuring the customer’s feet are never sullied by the barren earth below. Premium customers also receive a complimentary cudgel.

While the service may sound tempting to many, only customers who can prove they have a net worth of at least $400,000 may use it.

“My wife and I are originally from Markham, but things were just getting way too out of hand down there with property prices and the lockdown. Now, here, there’s nothing but cheap real estate and dirty poors to kick. It’s like heaven!” according to satisfied customer Felix Falcomata.

“It’s great, me and my children together have probably bought up 5 properties by now, in cash” says Joseph Wu of North York.

“I got about 3 places under my belt so far” says Maxine Williams of Mississauga. “My only real complaints are that it didn’t look like some of the stones, as we call them [Stepping Stones employees] weren’t wearing any masks, and to be frank this city could be a lot more diverse. I only hope these ignorant trailer trash learn the error of their ways before it’s too late”.

Reviews continue to beam with excitement for the service, as wealthy Canadians from all over the country are allegedly looking to relocate to the Soo as well.

While some locals fear the massive influx of affluent migrants could spell disaster for future homeowners in the city, and already well inflated cost of living could continue to soar, experts have assured us that with any luck, the city’s wealthy should pull through these difficult times unharmed.

Scoundrels run amok in the Soo, behold this tale of most dire news

Something rotten is afoot in the Soo, for caitiffs may operate in plain view

With the passage of the sun and the moon, nary a soul can claim to be immune

To the injustices of such swindlers, whom are free to pilfer with gleeful ardour

Those meagre possessions one may hold dear, purchased only through living most austere

An honest day’s labour cast to the wind, a phenomenon quite frequently spin’d

Ground oneself and hear this my tale of woe, for in my heart great sorrow further grows

Merely one night ago a thief trespassed, and before my very eyes he harassed

My stalwart golden retriever and I, as he had turned my lawn into a sty

Hitherto maintained in a pristine state, gardenias now trampled neath wheels of hate

My toolbox in hand a shrill cry rang out, with words so cruel my heart began to rout

“Fuck you, goof” he said riding caracole, his tongue a dagger that could pierce any soul

His motorbike a wicked steed of steel, luxurious steel-toe boots guard his heel

Leather gloves protect his thieving fingers, upon which the scent of cigarettes lingers

Clearly he was a man not lacking wealth, riches the detriment of others’ health

I stepped forth and attempted to give chase, mud whipped from his tires splashed upon my face

As ephemeral as the morning dew, he was quickly disappearing from view

Alas he turned once more into the fray, he rode past shouting “also your dog’s gay”

Toolbox in hand he disappeared from sight, to all others he shall remain a blight

Heart laden with woe I turned to face home, only to witness my own fall of Rome

Scrawled upon my garage door in full view, the words “Goon” and the love of Baby Blue

As ferrous powder settles from the sky, yet more scoundrels from my garage did fly

My car swiftly ransacked and my tires slashed, far from my view the miscreants had dashed

My harrowing yarn now comes to an end, a plea for help to the Soo I do send

I expect all to read this faithfully, accepting those comments made tastefully

May the sun set on this most awful day, and for the record my dog is not gay

Thus ends this man’s most tragic tale, whose toolbox is now up for sale

We would like to keep the Soo safe, from all manner of thieving waif

Please respond via carrier pigeon to our moderators fair

Should ye possess any knowledge ye should like to share

And before ye should part with silver for a scribe,

Forget ye not, we shall censor a diatribe!

Want a Pet? Here’s The Soo’s Top 5 Picks For This Week

While Coronavirus has thrown a wrench in the pet adoption plans of many, we’ve taken it upon ourselves the peruse the Soo’s choices for local rescues looking for a forever home. See how long it takes for them to tug at your heart strings!

Montgomery, Jack Russell Terrier, 5 years old

Monty’s a lovable, fun filled little bundle of energy just looking for the perfect owner who can keep up with his energetic hijinks. Found running in circles around the property of a suspected drug lab, Monty gets a little frisky if he doesn’t get methamphetamine laced treats, but we’ve been weening him off and he’s making great progress! Monty can be a little pricier than most dogs due to needing weekly HIV and Hepatitis shots at about $500 per pop, but in our humble opinion he’s worth the price of admission.

Alejandro, Unknown Breed, Unknown Age

Alejandro’s a stray rescued just weeks ago, and shows great promise. While he can take a little while to warm up to people, he’s shown he can be a loyal and caring dog once he gets out of his shell. Rumour has it this pooch was last seen down south, allegedly guard dog for two rival drug gangs, both of whom have since disappeared. Don’t mention his brother near him. Goes absolutely wild when he hears the word “Ramón”. Good with children and firearms.

Nougat, Chocolate Lab, 34 Years Old

“Old Faithful” as we like to call him, Nougat’s hoping to find his sixteenth forever home! At 34 years old he’s not too energetic anymore and most of his bones have fallen out of their sockets, giving him a unique, mop-like shape. As he can’t walk, he needs to be placed on a small scooter and pushed around. Nougat’s perfect for a quiet, mature owner, as he can no longer bark, only making a gurgling sound when he’s excited – we advise keeping him somewhere with hardwood floors, as he obviously can’t get up to go outside! Very low maintenance dog, being content to live off of onions and birds that wander near his mouth. A true diamond in the rough!

Mephistopheles, Who Knows, No One Cares

No one knows what this little asshole’s name really is and none of us care, that’s for damn sure. Cold and calculating as a wicked chancellor, as cuddly as Pol Pot. Consistently a prick no matter how nice you are to it. Likes to spill the food you give it because it knows you’re gonna give it more anyways. Destroys everything. Hisses at displays of kindness. We personally think the perfect home for this piece of shit is in a river, but that’s just us. Has learned to answer to “God’s Mistake”. Hopefully going to be dead soon.

Sammy Davis Jr., Robin, 1 Year Old

Probably the most charismatic bird you’ll ever meet, this little fella got his name from his previous owner for this absolute dedication to singing nonstop, all hours of the day. Sammy’s different from other robins in that his song is a tad more shrieking than most, and his Gilbert Gottfried-esque voice makes him a poor fit for apartment life. Despite this he’s definitely a charmer, and sure to brighten up anyone’s life!

And there you have it! If you like what you see, you better be quick to adopt these great pets, because something tells us they won’t be available for long!