Bold: Doug Ford Plans To Airlift 500 Tons Of Toronto’s Liquid Shit and Dump It Over Northern Communities

In an audacious new plan announced this Friday, Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced plans to transport roughly 500 tons of liquid excrement from Toronto sewers and dump it over several Northern Ontario communities, including Sudbury and Sault Ste. Marie.

When asked the reasoning behind his decision, Ford simply responded “Fuck it” before running off to board a helicopter to attend a conference in Ottawa.

The move has many Northerners grumbling, but local politicians assure their constituencies that the move is in fact a boon to the economically stagnant area.

“We have lots of land ripe for this kind of venture, and frankly it’s time we stop being so selfish and lend a helping hand to our friends down south” said one Thunder Bay city council member who wished to remain anonymous, speaking over the sound of many dozen cash sorters.

While many are upset by the prospects of randomly being coated in the GTA’s raw sewage, economists point out that amid the turmoil caused by the current lockdown, this could in fact save the North from certain financial doom. “When you look at the numbers, this really is a miracle in disguise” assures William Holland of the University of Ottawa. “Northern Ontario’s teetering on economic collapse, and as the pandemic and lockdown worsen and unemployment continues to climb, it needs all the help it can get.”

Though controversial, it has been unanimously agreed to be a far softer stimulus for the North compared to its proposed alternative, “Hick Hunting” in which helicopter safaris would be offered to paying customers to thin out the undesirables of working class Northerners with a high powered rifle.

All in all, we think it’s safe to say the future looks bright for the North! Just make sure to keep those windows closed!

Disaster: Syringe Golem Escapes Soo Lab

SAULT STE. MARIE, ONTARIO: An incident at a local laboratory has resulted in the creation and subsequent escape of a golem like creature composed entirely of hypodermic needles.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this – it was supposed to be a beautiful creature, a creature to educate the city on the dangers of substance abuse!” says the golem’s father, Dr. Anthony Russo.

The creature is described as being roughly 6′ tall, and very likely HIV positive.

“My calaculations were flawless – I piled a bunch of needles I found throughout town into a man-shaped mold and tossed a used condom into the mix to give it life, a soul! Yet my child, when he was awakened through a powerful electrical current, escaped after beholding his own reflection.”

Locals claim seeing a long procession of local drug addicts making a pilgrimage to what may well be the creature in question, reputed to be hiding in a dumpster in the Jamestown area.

“I see them day and night. They bring addresses written on pieces of paper and offerings of bikes, and it returns lumbering in the dead of night with whatever loot it can carry” claims Marjorie Wellington, a local resident.

“You can find it by following the trail of needles and listen for its distinctive howl. It’s really hard to miss, it’s passed out drunk in the middle of the street half the time.”

In spite of the apparent danger in a walking biohazard, and multiple reports to the contrary, city officials have refused to acknowledge its existence, insisting it’s simply the ramblings of local residents deprived of bike lanes to de-stress in these trying times.

Anyone who has any information regarding the whereabouts of the creature is asked to contact Dr. Russo.

Report: “Human Pavement” Service For Wealthy Torontonians Boost To Economy

Money, and also a graph

In some much needed good news, city council has unveiled a new plan to revitalize the Soo’s economy: a downtown based “human pavement” service catered towards wealthy Torontonians. Stepping Stones offers customers the speediest and most comfortable human pavement service in Ontario. How it works is simple: using GPS coordinates, verified users will be tracked, and their predicted path will be “paved” by Sooites, paid roughly 10 cents per “step”, who will cast themselves on the ground ensuring the customer’s feet are never sullied by the barren earth below. Premium customers also receive a complimentary cudgel.

While the service may sound tempting to many, only customers who can prove they have a net worth of at least $400,000 may use it.

“My wife and I are originally from Markham, but things were just getting way too out of hand down there with property prices and the lockdown. Now, here, there’s nothing but cheap real estate and dirty poors to kick. It’s like heaven!” according to satisfied customer Felix Falcomata.

“It’s great, me and my children together have probably bought up 5 properties by now, in cash” says Joseph Wu of North York.

“I got about 3 places under my belt so far” says Maxine Williams of Mississauga. “My only real complaints are that it didn’t look like some of the stones, as we call them [Stepping Stones employees] weren’t wearing any masks, and to be frank this city could be a lot more diverse. I only hope these ignorant trailer trash learn the error of their ways before it’s too late”.

Reviews continue to beam with excitement for the service, as wealthy Canadians from all over the country are allegedly looking to relocate to the Soo as well.

While some locals fear the massive influx of affluent migrants could spell disaster for future homeowners in the city, and already well inflated cost of living could continue to soar, experts have assured us that with any luck, the city’s wealthy should pull through these difficult times unharmed.

Tragic: Local Man Renowned For Ability to Smoke 20 Cigars Simultaneously Has Succumbed to COVID

If you thought COVID was only a threat to the elderly, think again.

Local Soo man Leslie Vytautas, 25, a local celebrity famous for his ability to fit 20 Cuban cigars in his mouth and smoke them all simultaneously, has tragically died from complications related to COVID-19.

A close-up of the foot of a dead person in a morgue. A blank tag is attached to the toe.

“I just can’t believe he’s really gone” said Leslie’s closest friend, Mitch Robinson.

“We were best buddies at the Plant. I used to laugh and laugh when he would just inhale the fumes from the lathes like a vacuum cleaner until his eyes were bloodshot. Afterwords, we would go for a beer or thirty and eat our own bodyweight in poutine.”

Leslie’s crew remember him fondly as a likeable and funny man, often taking off his respirator in the coke ovens and pretending to choke like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall.

“He was a big guy and he’s left a big hole in our hearts” recalls another coworker, who wishes to remain anonymous. “To think COVID could take down a 350 lbs monster like Leslie, it really opens your eyes.”

The sobering experience has left Mitch with this to say to those who don’t take the pandemic seriously: “If it can happen to a guy in the prime of his life like Leslie, it can happen to you too.”

Yes! Paesano’s New Ad Campaign Swaps Children With Changelings Who Are Programmed To Sing Ads To Their Parents

Paesano’s, famous for their radio advertisements mimicking well known songs, have gone above and beyond the call of duty in their latest ad campaign. No longer content with simply composing jingles on the airwaves, many Saultites have reported their children and siblings have suddenly began speaking exclusively of the great savings available at Paesano’s.

Rob Kowak, a local parent, has more:

“I was in the living room reading the paper, when my son comes marching down the stairs, going on and on singing about bone-in turkey breasts and hams on sale right now to the tune of Fly Me to the Moon. Anything I’d say to him, his eyes would just go black, like an animal’s, and he’d start again right from the top. He wouldn’t really stop until I actually went out and bought whatever it is he was singing about.”

“I remember he [Mr. Kowak’s son] had a birth mark on his right shoulder, but I don’t see it there anymore, so I’m starting to think he isn’t really my son. He looks and acts just like him, but every now and then, he’ll just start singing about new deals. If I ignore him he just stares at me. If he catches me with groceries from another store he just shrieks and tosses them to the ground”.

Mr. Kowak isn’t the only parent experiencing this issue, with at least 15 other individuals in the Soo, and a handful of others in neighbouring communities reporting similar phenomena.

“On the one hand, I want to know what happened to my real son. On the other hand, you know, truth be told, a good deal’s a good deal. And you gotta hand it to them, they put a lot of effort into their ads.”

Controversial: City To Extend Bike Lanes Into Homes

In what’s proving to be a highly controversial move, city council has decided to go ahead with a proposal to expand the city’s now extensive network of bike lanes into the homes of Saultites. A spokesman for city council elaborates on the new plans:

“We’re simply asking those residents impacted by this change keep their doors open, preferably at least three feet wide, and keep the lane inside their home unobstructed. Don’t worry about anything else, the city will paint a clear path on the floor indicating where cyclists are permitted to ride.”

When asked what residents were to do in the winter, when open doors and windows will significantly cool a home, residents were advised to make use of bonfires maintained every three hours or so.

“We are also confident this will reduce the city’s skyrocketing break and enter incidents by downgrading them to simply enters. “

Scoundrels run amok in the Soo, behold this tale of most dire news

Something rotten is afoot in the Soo, for caitiffs may operate in plain view

With the passage of the sun and the moon, nary a soul can claim to be immune

To the injustices of such swindlers, whom are free to pilfer with gleeful ardour

Those meagre possessions one may hold dear, purchased only through living most austere

An honest day’s labour cast to the wind, a phenomenon quite frequently spin’d

Ground oneself and hear this my tale of woe, for in my heart great sorrow further grows

Merely one night ago a thief trespassed, and before my very eyes he harassed

My stalwart golden retriever and I, as he had turned my lawn into a sty

Hitherto maintained in a pristine state, gardenias now trampled neath wheels of hate

My toolbox in hand a shrill cry rang out, with words so cruel my heart began to rout

“Fuck you, goof” he said riding caracole, his tongue a dagger that could pierce any soul

His motorbike a wicked steed of steel, luxurious steel-toe boots guard his heel

Leather gloves protect his thieving fingers, upon which the scent of cigarettes lingers

Clearly he was a man not lacking wealth, riches the detriment of others’ health

I stepped forth and attempted to give chase, mud whipped from his tires splashed upon my face

As ephemeral as the morning dew, he was quickly disappearing from view

Alas he turned once more into the fray, he rode past shouting “also your dog’s gay”

Toolbox in hand he disappeared from sight, to all others he shall remain a blight

Heart laden with woe I turned to face home, only to witness my own fall of Rome

Scrawled upon my garage door in full view, the words “Goon” and the love of Baby Blue

As ferrous powder settles from the sky, yet more scoundrels from my garage did fly

My car swiftly ransacked and my tires slashed, far from my view the miscreants had dashed

My harrowing yarn now comes to an end, a plea for help to the Soo I do send

I expect all to read this faithfully, accepting those comments made tastefully

May the sun set on this most awful day, and for the record my dog is not gay

Thus ends this man’s most tragic tale, whose toolbox is now up for sale

We would like to keep the Soo safe, from all manner of thieving waif

Please respond via carrier pigeon to our moderators fair

Should ye possess any knowledge ye should like to share

And before ye should part with silver for a scribe,

Forget ye not, we shall censor a diatribe!

Soo Transit To Convert Baby Stroller Shuttles to Fleet of Buses

There are exciting things planned for 2021 in Sault Ste. Marie, and you can rest assured Soo Transit isn’t missing out on the fun! In a press release earlier today, it was announced that Soo Transit’s aging fleet of baby stroller shuttles are in fact going to be refitted to act as regular buses.

City council hopes the move will allow people to board the bus and ride it to their destination. Previously, many people would mistakenly board a baby stroller taxi under the impression it was a bus, resulting in numerous Saultites becoming lost, and often missing, in the labyrinth of strollers and single mothers.

The move has proven controversial, however.

“Our city’s expansive fleet of single mom shuttles is an integral part of Sault Ste. Marie culture” noted a local activist, who chose to remain anonymous. “It was often a badge of pride that no one could, without a child and potentially baby daddy, reach their destination successfully. Our city has always been renowned for the mystery of riding the pseudo-bus, only to be swallowed by a sea of strollers carrying wailing babies and expensive stolen meats. Now, people without access to a vehicle might actually be able to get to work on time, and comfortably. We cannot allow such a change to take place.”

The new fleet is expected to be rolled out as soon as February of 2021.

Want a Pet? Here’s The Soo’s Top 5 Picks For This Week

While Coronavirus has thrown a wrench in the pet adoption plans of many, we’ve taken it upon ourselves the peruse the Soo’s choices for local rescues looking for a forever home. See how long it takes for them to tug at your heart strings!

Montgomery, Jack Russell Terrier, 5 years old

Monty’s a lovable, fun filled little bundle of energy just looking for the perfect owner who can keep up with his energetic hijinks. Found running in circles around the property of a suspected drug lab, Monty gets a little frisky if he doesn’t get methamphetamine laced treats, but we’ve been weening him off and he’s making great progress! Monty can be a little pricier than most dogs due to needing weekly HIV and Hepatitis shots at about $500 per pop, but in our humble opinion he’s worth the price of admission.

Alejandro, Unknown Breed, Unknown Age

Alejandro’s a stray rescued just weeks ago, and shows great promise. While he can take a little while to warm up to people, he’s shown he can be a loyal and caring dog once he gets out of his shell. Rumour has it this pooch was last seen down south, allegedly guard dog for two rival drug gangs, both of whom have since disappeared. Don’t mention his brother near him. Goes absolutely wild when he hears the word “Ramón”. Good with children and firearms.

Nougat, Chocolate Lab, 34 Years Old

“Old Faithful” as we like to call him, Nougat’s hoping to find his sixteenth forever home! At 34 years old he’s not too energetic anymore and most of his bones have fallen out of their sockets, giving him a unique, mop-like shape. As he can’t walk, he needs to be placed on a small scooter and pushed around. Nougat’s perfect for a quiet, mature owner, as he can no longer bark, only making a gurgling sound when he’s excited – we advise keeping him somewhere with hardwood floors, as he obviously can’t get up to go outside! Very low maintenance dog, being content to live off of onions and birds that wander near his mouth. A true diamond in the rough!

Mephistopheles, Who Knows, No One Cares

No one knows what this little asshole’s name really is and none of us care, that’s for damn sure. Cold and calculating as a wicked chancellor, as cuddly as Pol Pot. Consistently a prick no matter how nice you are to it. Likes to spill the food you give it because it knows you’re gonna give it more anyways. Destroys everything. Hisses at displays of kindness. We personally think the perfect home for this piece of shit is in a river, but that’s just us. Has learned to answer to “God’s Mistake”. Hopefully going to be dead soon.

Sammy Davis Jr., Robin, 1 Year Old

Probably the most charismatic bird you’ll ever meet, this little fella got his name from his previous owner for this absolute dedication to singing nonstop, all hours of the day. Sammy’s different from other robins in that his song is a tad more shrieking than most, and his Gilbert Gottfried-esque voice makes him a poor fit for apartment life. Despite this he’s definitely a charmer, and sure to brighten up anyone’s life!

And there you have it! If you like what you see, you better be quick to adopt these great pets, because something tells us they won’t be available for long!

Getting Out of Hand: Junkie Steals Mayor During Live Interview

In the most brazen incident of drug-fuelled theft yet, an as of yet unknown thief has run off with Mayor Christian Provenzano during a live interview.

The Soo has seen a tremendous spike in crime this year, which is often linked to the equally huge spike in drug use.

The city is currently asking for any information available as to the Mayor’s current whereabouts, and is hoping to soon have the perpetrator swiftly arrested and then released.