Kevin Hart steps down from Oscars gig following discovery of controversial tweets
Kevin hart has decided to step down from hosting the Oscars this year following backlash from some controversial tweets critics decry as homophobic. Comedian Hannah Gadsby, known for her recent special Nanette, will be hosting in Hart’s stead. Many have noted this is a safe move for the Oscars, as it is unlikely Gadsby will have made many offending jokes in the past, due to her long history of not making jokes.
Israel under diplomatic fire for destruction of Lebanese friendship tunnels
The IDF this week launched Operation Northern Shield, with the objective of clearing Hezbollah-made tunnels which run beneath the Lebanese border into Israel. Many worldwide have decried the move, noting that the tunnels are meant for Hezbollah operatives to carry bouquets of flowers to Israelis they wish to befriend. Just weeks earlier, the IDF made a similar blunder when it decided to respond to a rain of beautiful Hamas fireworks displaying hearts and smiley faces with airstrikes.
Report: 1 in 5 cats a small, furry human
Bad news for cat owners: a report published earlier this week suggests as many as 1 in 5 cats are not felines at all, but small, furry humans only posing as such. The report cites regular marches in the dead of the night by these furry intruders to small burrows, usually carrying away pieces of clothing or scraps of hair. While the purpose of these clandestine meetings is unknown, experts fear the cat-men may be assembling human disguises to further infiltrate the world of man.
Talk about embarrassing: Rosie O-Donnell’s head stuck in a tree trying to argue with squirrel
Rosie O’Donnell was spotted in the middle of a forest in upstate New York with her head “pretty firmly” jammed into a tree, states a local hunter. Upon rescue, O’Donnell maintains that she had gotten into an argument with a squirrel, who she claims tried to flee into the tree. According to the comedian and former talk show host, she overheard the squirrel make remarks disparaging former president Obama. “I heard this little prick say that Obama was the worst president we’ve had in decades, so I said to him and his owl buddy that they can take their MAGA bullshit out of this forest. He scurried into a tree and then made some remarks about gay marriage, so I stuck my head in there to give him a piece of my mind when I got stuck.”
Investors not happy with Kellogg’s after thousands of boxes of Vector found to contain human teeth
Kellogg’s stocks took a sharp hit this week after it was revealed that thousands of boxes of the cereal manufacturer’s popular brand of high-protein snack Vector contained large amounts of human teeth. Many customers reported their dissatisfaction with the snack, expecting to find the pleasant crunch and taste of nuts, only to be greeted by the strange and unpleasant crunch of human teeth. Allegedly, most of the teeth were more palatable baby teeth, though there are scattered reports of much less edible adult teeth being found as well.