SHAANXI, CHINA – Archaeologists have announced an exciting discovery concerning the world-renowned Terracotta Army! As it turns out, Qin Shi Huang, the first emperor of a unified China and the original commissioner of the Terracotta Army, had a slightly smaller terracotta version of himself made with its own, slightly smaller Terracotta Army. The smaller Terracotta Army is widely believed to have been meant to guard the smaller mausoleum of the smaller terracotta Qin Shi Huang, just as the Terracotta Army guards the mausoleum of the real Qin Shi Huang, in addition to the smaller army which guards the smaller mausoleum.
Yu Guo’an, an archaeologist from Beijing University, has stated that “the find is incredible…there is easily a somewhat smaller than a city-sized monument buried just next to the original city-sized monument. Finds from this dig suggest there may even be yet another, even smaller Terracotta Army in the vicinity as well”. All together, these exciting finds appear to “extend indefinitely, for at least several dozen miles. We will need more specialized, exceptionally tiny equipment to continue exploring”. Here’s to Mr. Yu’s future success!
Archaeologists have announced this Wednesday that they have discovered an ancient F-150 burial site just west of Sudbury. The site, located off of an old dirt road, is believed to date to around the late 800s, and is among the most significant of its kind yet discovered. Located within the burial site was a man, perhaps a chieftain in his late 60s, dressed in a Tap-Out tunic and Monster Energy hat, a green and rusted F-150, and several tablets containing poetry from such bards as Bob Seger and an ensemble known as Rush.
“It’s very exciting stuff because thusfar we’ve only had writings of such burials taking place – this is the first time we’ve actually found physical evidence of the practice” said Dr. Jonathan Grunbaum, head of the team which discovered the site. “Essentially, usually a leader of some sort would be buried with his F-150 – a common mode of transportation among the Northern Ontarians, so that it may provide transportation for him in the next life. In this case, he was also buried with his favourite poems so he may enjoy them as well, in this case the classics Turn the Page, Working Man, and Tom Sawyer – all of which were very popular at the time.”
However, according to Dr. Grunbaum, the find may be more significant than initially believed. “While it is of course wonderful to find concrete evidence of the practice taking place, a number of academics – myself included – have reason to believe this may provide evidence that the F-150 was more significant to this society than was previously thought. We have for years had reason to believe that the entire community would gather around these vehicles, often times just outside inns or other local eateries, and host small parties at the rear of the vehicle. Why they wouldn’t just go inside these establishments to get together, we still don’t fully understand. However, the fact that so much care was taken to preserve this sample seems to lend some credibility to this thesis.” Dr. Grunbaum concludes by stating that while more research is needed, the find has already changed the face of Canadian archaeology.
In a recent find in Egypt’s Valley of the Kings, archaeologists have made the exciting discovery of about 100-120 papyrus scrolls, about half of which contain explicit erotic artwork of the green M&M. The stash in question was discovered in a heretofore hidden chamber within Amenhotep III’s tomb. Curiously, the artwork was stored alongside sacred spells meant to protect the Pharaoh in his journey to the afterlife.
Dr. Jukka Heikkinen, the leader of the expedition in question, explains: “Believe it or not, smut like this is not exactly uncommon to find drawn on papyri – ancient Egyptians, like the people of today, produced and consumed such works quite regularly. What is remarkable however, is the craftsmanship put into these particular papyri, suggesting the work of a royal scribe, likely a commission for Amenhotep III. Furthermore, given its location in his tomb, and especially alongside papyri meant to act as wards for use in the afterlife, we believe that it was intended for Amenhotep III to take his erotic artwork of the green M&M with him on his journey.”
The specifics of the papyri are perhaps too explicit to be described in detail here, but they have been called “the Egyptian Kama Sutra” and many of them also seem to feature the red and yellow M&Ms participating in the acts depicted as well. While remarkable in their own right, it appears to have been somewhat common in the ancient world for rulers to commission such works, as, for example, several carvings of Tony the Tiger were discovered in the tomb of Pacal the Great’s wife, Lady Tz’akbu Ajaw, which experts agree are “way too detailed, drawn way too muscular for her to say she just likes the character”.