As if Amazon couldn’t wow us any more than they already have, we’ve recently learned that Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos plans to go out with a bang – and he wants 500 of his most dedicated employees to go with him!
Bezos revealed that, upon his death, he intends to hold a lavish funeral which will culminate in the live burial of his 500 best performing workers. Amazon spokeswoman Amanda Khatchaturian has the full details:
“Upon Mr. Bezos’ demise, he has specifically requested that he be buried in a gigantic sarcophagus of lapis lazuli, the lid of which is carved to portray his slumbering likeness, with the main body of the sarcophagus featuring details of his life, all exquisitely inlaid in gold. At the mandated time, the lucky employees chosen by His Pristine Brilliance will be brought into the burial chamber in groups of 20, where they will recite their cries of mourning and beat their chests. They will then be given many bowl fulls of wine, before each will be struck on the head and buried alive in rows, the first group being on the same level as His Departed Magnificence, and continuing some 30 feet until all 500 have rejoined their master in the life to come.”
“At the moment we’re still constructing the tomb itself, which should be complete by around 2030. We fear with the changing climate we may see yet more of our selfless contractors may succumb to the elements in their Amazon mandated mobile cages, but we anticipate through sheer force of will, we can get this done ahead of schedule.”
The tomb will be marked by a grand pyramid at a site close by Amazon’s Seattle HQ, and will feature a majestic display of a zeret bird carrying Bezos into the afterlife, composed entirely of precious gemstones.
Rumour has it Amazon Prime members will have the ability to visit the tomb prior to its public unveiling, so bear that in mind next time you think about cancelling your subscription!
A group of loggers in Brazil are in over their heads after they’ve unwittingly awoken the angry spirit of Canadian singer-songwriter Neil Young deep within the Amazon rainforest. Young, noted for his environmental activism, and despite technically still being alive, has been reported by hikers for years to roam the banks of the Amazon whilst inexplicably being present within North America.
Antonio dos Santos, a member of the crew, reports the harrowing ordeal: “We found this weird stone hut in the middle of the forest, but it had an inscription over the door that said something like ‘Hey hey, let all beware; Disturb not this lair’ so we decided to just leave it be. But Pedro, the one that opened it, I guess he decided to wander out there and check it out himself. We all woke up in the middle of the night to this kinda high pitched voice saying ‘Logger man, you foolish man; My curse is outta the can’ like an echo. Pedro came stumbling back and we knew bad went down.”
The victim in question, Pedro Branco, is in stable condition, though the alleged curse seems to have hit him hard. “At first he was just kinda confused, then he started growing his hair longer, and we’d tell him ‘Hey man, you should cut your hair. It looks weird like that’ and he’d just say no. Then he started wearing this fedora thing and playing guitar. He was fired a week ago but he just stays here with us, singing about farming. He bit João and now he’s [João] starting to do the same thing. It’s a nightmare.”
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced this Tuesday that the popular virtual assistant Alexa will now nervously laugh whenever it hears its owner make a remark implying intent to commit suicide.
“You hear it all the time – ‘Oh God, another day at the office, just fucking kill me’, or ‘Jesus Christ, please just strike me dead now’ whenever someone thinks about their work week, or marital status, or really anything. And we thought, Alexa’s right there, wouldn’t it be great if we could incorporate a greater level of user interaction with this?”
Considerable deliberation went into how these changes would be implemented, however. “I mean, there were so many ways Alexa could respond. First we thought, maybe she could recommend mental health services? But no, we know 99% of the time the person in question isn’t gonna go through with it. So then, okay, she knows it’s a joke – why not laugh? But the demos were a little too hearty, like she goading you to do it. That’s when we decided it would be best if she laughed, but only hesitantly, you know, to convey discomfort.”
The update is expected to be officially released next week. When asked about any other future plans for Alexa, Bezos stated that we can soon expect Alexa to ask when users plan on getting married and having kids, as well as snicker if it detects the user masturbating.