Getting Out of Hand: Junkie Steals Mayor During Live Interview

In the most brazen incident of drug-fuelled theft yet, an as of yet unknown thief has run off with Mayor Christian Provenzano during a live interview.

The Soo has seen a tremendous spike in crime this year, which is often linked to the equally huge spike in drug use.

The city is currently asking for any information available as to the Mayor’s current whereabouts, and is hoping to soon have the perpetrator swiftly arrested and then released.

Looking For a New Place in the Soo? We’ve Got You Covered!

Sault Ste. Marie might be a small town, but that doesn’t mean it’s lacking in real estate, ripe for the taking! Here’s some of our top picks for this month:

  1. Lovely 1 Bedroom Apartment Near Bus Terminal & Station Mall – $1, 025 per month

This quaint single bedroom apartment is located near almost all of your potential needs, from transportation to shopping. Running water and termite free! Large, constantly screaming man next door will always keep you entertained. As an added bonus, if he smells copper on you and steals it (which he will), the value of the stolen item will be halved and deducted from that month’s rent! A win-win!

2. Expertly Furnished Room Near College – Students Only – $750 per Month

A shared apartment with fifteen other tenants, located conveniently near Soo College and within walking distance of many restaurants and Metro. Previous tenant starved to death inside the walls directly behind headboard of bed. Body is miraculously well preserved! You’ll never sleep alone again! On site laundry included.

3. East End Basement Maze – As Many Bedrooms as You Can Find – Single Payment of $1200

Located near the always gorgeous Algoma University campus, this constantly shifting, fog filled labyrinth is the perfect residence for someone who loves variety. Simply follow the sounds of the chiming bell to find what might be your bed. Doorways seal and rooms shift every hour, so there are currently an unknown number of tenants sharing this prime piece of real estate. They say the distance one must travel to locate their room is dependant on the sins one has committed in life. Utilities not included.

4. Bed of Hypodermic Needles By the Bridge – Absolutely Free

Exactly what it says on the tin! This pile of hypodermic needles is absolutely free to lay on! While there is no rent to speak of, it must be noted that many of these needles are likely HIV positive, and around this part of town, might makes right, so expect to fight for your right to sleep here.

5. Quiet, Mature Tenant Sought For Spacious and Luxurious West End Iron Lung – $1995 per Month

An elderly widow is seeking a tenant that is mature and able to keep their noise level at a minimum while occupying her late husband’s old iron lung. Must vacate the house every Sunday at dinner time so as to not disturb her family during their quality time together. Includes a plug in fan on a nearby table. Laundry is located on site, though usage is forbidden. Utilities neither provided nor included for the tenant, though the bill must be covered for the landlord.

And there you have it! With so much to choose from, let no one say that the Soo is lacking in its fair share of dream apartments! Better grab them quick, because they’re not going to remain available for long!

City Council: Albert and Gore Traffic To Be Directed By Colossal Olmec Statues

Good news, Saultites! City Council has been working hard to improve the notorious accident-prone intersection, and has unveiled exciting new plans to install gigantic Olmec statues in place of stop signs or traffic lights.

History mystery: Olmec Civilization | Elixir Of Knowledge

How it works is simple:

  1. Upon reaching the intersection, the Olmec statue will pose to the motorist a riddle in a bellowing, thunderous voice. The motorist in question will then have approximately thirty seconds to answer before the mighty Olmec’s eyes will glow red and crush the motorist.
  2. At any point during this 30 second period, the great Olmec may declare the oncoming lane to be a bike lane, and accordingly fining the motorist by shooting traffic tickets from its mouth, all of which must be paid within three days.
  3. The omnipotent Olmec may only be approached between the hours of 2:00am – 4:44am CT (Olmec’s preferred time zone) from Sunday to Wednesday, and 3:00pm – 6:01pm CT from Thursday to Saturday. Approaching outside these hours will result in the titanic Olmec to deploy a series of rapidly rotating chains with which to thrash the motorist’s vehicle.
  4. Successfully answering the illustrious Olmec’s riddle will grant the motorist permission to cross the intersection, though only in the direction decreed by the immortal Olmec. It is not advisable for the motorist to return to the intersection, as the Herculean Olmec’s patience will surely wear thin.
  5. Caution is advised in the winter months, as the magnanimous Olmec prefers to spew water from its pristine mouth, so as to freeze the surrounding area (so the indefatigable Olmec may gaze upon its own reflection) . Any motorist approaching faster than 10 km/h will have their tires slashed by the indomitable Olmec, and an arrest warrant will be issued.

The ambitious project should cost the city roughly $40 million, with construction expected to take between four to twenty months, during which time no other maintenance will be conducted throughout the city, given the tremendous amount of manpower needed.

Yet another example of money well spent, and we can’t wait to see it!

Report: OPP to Begin Putting Bells on Crackheads

Good news, Ontarians – in order to address the rampant substance abuse problem across the province, the OPP has announced they’ll soon begin attaching bells to known crackheads.

An anonymous source elaborates:

“For one, they’re very festive, we think a lot of people are going to like it for that reason alone. Two, it lets people know there’s probably a crackhead rummaging through their house at that very moment.”

Thus far, Ontarians seem receptive to the idea.

“I don’t really feel scared walking through the streets at night anymore, since now I know if I’m being stalked by a crackhead looking for money or a small bike to steal.” one Sudbury woman told us. “Just the other day I heard some jingling coming from my garage, so I whistled to get his [the crackhead’s] attention and threw some pepperettes down the street. Plus, I think they look cute.”

Tragic: ISIS Videographers Going Out of Business as Rest of World Becomes Equally Fucked Up

RAQQA, SYRIA: New data suggests that ISIS’ once prolific video propaganda team is closing shop as demand for fucked up politically charged atrocities is plummeting.

Anwar, a former member of the Caliphate’s social media team, has been unemployed since March.

“Circa 2015, we were all the rage. No one had seen such graphic, crisply captured moments of extreme violence and brutality. Now, complete disregard for human dignity and life is basically ubiquitous.

Go on Twitter right now, you can probably easily find a video of an old lady getting her skull bashed in by looters somewhere. Just the other day I saw a man open fire into a group of people in the heart of the Great Satan, New York City itself. And Portland! We simply can’t keep up at this rate. And that’s just in America!”

Anwar and his colleagues are reportedly doing what they can to make ends meet.

“We beseech the world, give us a chance. We can add waving flags to the corners of your videos of innocent people being murdered. Please consider us.”

Has ISIS truly been dethroned? Time will tell, but it seems likely.

BREAKING: CNN Now Airing 24/7 Coverage of Cuomo Brothers Windmilling Each Other

In a dramatic move, American news network CNN has opted to drop all other programming for an uninterrupted livestream of the Cuomo brothers mercilessly windmilling one another while arguing over who is the better son.

Coronavirus: Chris Cuomo debates mom's 'favorite' with Andrew Cuomo

Thus far, the windmilling itself generally lasts for twenty minute bouts, with another ten minutes for rest and verbal argument, before the windmilling resumes. Most nights the brothers tucker each other out and are both sound asleep by 10:00 PM Eastern Time.

Wolf Blitzer and Don Lemon feed the brothers a potent cocktail of porridge, cocaine and adderall in between bouts and treat any injuries sustained. This new broadcasting is expected to last until “one of them dies”, according to an anonymous source.

Thank God: Towns With Few Testing Kits Remain Mostly COVID-19 Free

In a huge relief for the country as a whole, localities with few or no testing kits for COVID-19 are, thus far, free of the pandemic. While there has been enormous fear that such places would be devastated by the influx of seriously ill patients and a lack of supplies to accommodate them, it seems as though everything’s going to be alright after all.

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“We’ve been losing sleep day after day, knowing the strain this pandemic would put on our healthcare” explains Dr. Greco of Thunder Bay. “Luckily however, despite our lack of available testing kits, no one seems to be showing any of the key symptoms, namely interacting with someone confirmed to have COVID-19”.

While there have been an unusually large number of cases involving pneumonia, we’ve been assured that this is likely “just a cold” and nothing to worry about.

You Go Girl: Mulan Remake Will Feature Extermination of The Jie People

Can you say epic? Mulan director Niki Caro has confirmed we’re finally getting the strong female protagonist fans have been clamouring for as the eponymous character will lead a campaign of extermination against the Jie people. “While some fans might be upset at the exclusion of Li Shang from the film, you can rest assured there’s plenty to make up for it. This Mulan will finally be a heroine young girls everywhere can look up to as she mercilessly carries out the Emperor’s will, slaughtering man, woman and child in the name of Imperial hegemony. It’s totally empowering and I think fans’ll love it.”

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The Jie were one of “Five Barbarians”, tribes which invaded China during the Sixteen Kingdoms period following the collapse of the Jin dynasty, who were historically slaughtered by the Han Chinese in their reconquest of China.

The film’s global release date has yet to be determined in light of the coronavirus outbreak.

Report: Turkey to Share Intel With United States That Putin’s Been Trash-Talking Trump Hard

ANKARA – Turkish Minister of Foreign Affairs Mevlüt Çavuşoğlu briefed a group of reporters earlier today that Turkey has obtained intelligence suggesting Russian President Vladimir Putin has been “mad shit-talking” American president Donald Trump “pretty much every day”. “Many of Mr. Putin’s insults I cannot even repeat in public, they are so vile” Çavuşoğlu was quoted as telling reporters. “I will have to share them with my counterpart, Ambassador Satterfield. But I can tell you that Mr. Putin believes he would make a much better husband to Melania, and he also suggested Mr. Trump eats hotdogs like this” to which Çavuşoğlu grasped his hands in front of his mouth, as though holding an invisible pole, and pushed his tongue against his cheek whilst moving his hands in and out from his mouth, in sync with the movement of his tongue against his cheek.

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Syrian soldiers headed towards the frontlines

“We understand if America wishes to disengage itself from Syria, we really do. President Erdoğan and I both agree it is totally reasonable for America to not want to install Patriot missiles for us near the Syrian border. It’s just that Mr. Trump certainly looks like, and forgive my language, a huge bitch if he backs down now, after what Mr. Putin has said.” The Turkish military is currently embedded in northwestern Syria in order to bolster its rebel allies in opposition to the Syrian government, which has begun an offensive to capture the last rebel strongholds still within its borders, with support from their Russian allies.

Op-ed: Qasem of Soleiman Clan Killed With Rock. What Mean For Region?

If not see news yet, Eagle Tribe Head Chief Trump say good throw rock at Qasem of Soleiman clan, and friend Abu Mahdi. Rock thrown so hard, both killed. This follow many stones thrown at boats in gulf area, death of Eagle tribe man, and many rocks thrown at Eagle tribe cave in Baghdad. What this mean?

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First, things not look good for Lion tribe. Not only do Lion tribe miss all stones thrown at Eagle caves, Lion tribe club to death travelers to Cossack tribe land by accident. Now, many in Lion tribe angry that club wrong people, and yell at Big Chief Khamenei to leave command cave. Thus pose real question – what happen now? Lion tribe people not only people yell at Big Chief Khamenei. Two River tribe and Cedar tribe also yell – this bad for tribes that swear swing club for Khamenei. What more bad, Eagle tribe scare away tastiest animals going to Lion tribe. This mean not only Lion tribe not get best pelts and meat, but same for global tribes supply by Lion tribe.

Lion tribe have few options. Me not think Lion tribe forget about rock attack. Most likely thing for Lion tribe is throw rocks at Eagle tribe fighters in Two River tribe land in future, through friendly tribe fighters. If throw rock too hard, will get bigger rock thrown back, so will be careful. Lion tribe not afford to cross Two River tribe land – cannot throw rock at far as Eagle tribe, or swing club as hard. If do this, Lion tribe people probably yell so hard at Big Chief Khamenei he leave cave. On other hand, if Eagle tribe enter Lion tribe land, it no good for Eagle tribe. Too many caves in Lion tribe land – Eagle tribe get rock thrown at back of head, and stay in Lion tribe land to club fighters cost too many pelts, because take too long to club ALL fighters. So me not think either likely.

Lion tribe caves outside Lion tribe land having cave in. Lion tribe people not sleep on nice pelt in long time, and Lion tribe pebbles worth less by day. Lion tribe not likely stop searching for fire, so me think sanction stay. If Lion tribe make one more big mistake, me think Big Chief Khamenei done. Lion tribe might try club Small Hat tribe as last resort, but need remember many in Cedar tribe (strongest Lion tribe friend in area) angry at Lion tribe right now, so now not good time for that either. Whatever case, me think things not look good for Lion tribe – and me say not listen to Cave Painters, who say Big Clubbing Three happen soon. They not know how interpret animal bones. And that me opinion.