In an audacious new plan announced this Friday, Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced plans to transport roughly 500 tons of liquid excrement from Toronto sewers and dump it over several Northern Ontario communities, including Sudbury and Sault Ste. Marie.
When asked the reasoning behind his decision, Ford simply responded “Fuck it” before running off to board a helicopter to attend a conference in Ottawa.
The move has many Northerners grumbling, but local politicians assure their constituencies that the move is in fact a boon to the economically stagnant area.
“We have lots of land ripe for this kind of venture, and frankly it’s time we stop being so selfish and lend a helping hand to our friends down south” said one Thunder Bay city council member who wished to remain anonymous, speaking over the sound of many dozen cash sorters.
While many are upset by the prospects of randomly being coated in the GTA’s raw sewage, economists point out that amid the turmoil caused by the current lockdown, this could in fact save the North from certain financial doom. “When you look at the numbers, this really is a miracle in disguise” assures William Holland of the University of Ottawa. “Northern Ontario’s teetering on economic collapse, and as the pandemic and lockdown worsen and unemployment continues to climb, it needs all the help it can get.”
Though controversial, it has been unanimously agreed to be a far softer stimulus for the North compared to its proposed alternative, “Hick Hunting” in which helicopter safaris would be offered to paying customers to thin out the undesirables of working class Northerners with a high powered rifle.
All in all, we think it’s safe to say the future looks bright for the North! Just make sure to keep those windows closed!