Disaster: Syringe Golem Escapes Soo Lab

SAULT STE. MARIE, ONTARIO: An incident at a local laboratory has resulted in the creation and subsequent escape of a golem like creature composed entirely of hypodermic needles.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this – it was supposed to be a beautiful creature, a creature to educate the city on the dangers of substance abuse!” says the golem’s father, Dr. Anthony Russo.

The creature is described as being roughly 6′ tall, and very likely HIV positive.

“My calaculations were flawless – I piled a bunch of needles I found throughout town into a man-shaped mold and tossed a used condom into the mix to give it life, a soul! Yet my child, when he was awakened through a powerful electrical current, escaped after beholding his own reflection.”

Locals claim seeing a long procession of local drug addicts making a pilgrimage to what may well be the creature in question, reputed to be hiding in a dumpster in the Jamestown area.

“I see them day and night. They bring addresses written on pieces of paper and offerings of bikes, and it returns lumbering in the dead of night with whatever loot it can carry” claims Marjorie Wellington, a local resident.

“You can find it by following the trail of needles and listen for its distinctive howl. It’s really hard to miss, it’s passed out drunk in the middle of the street half the time.”

In spite of the apparent danger in a walking biohazard, and multiple reports to the contrary, city officials have refused to acknowledge its existence, insisting it’s simply the ramblings of local residents deprived of bike lanes to de-stress in these trying times.

Anyone who has any information regarding the whereabouts of the creature is asked to contact Dr. Russo.

One thought on “Disaster: Syringe Golem Escapes Soo Lab

  1. I have not seen such outstanding journalism since the Trash Can Gazette, hats off to this divine source of media.

    Like

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