Report: “Human Pavement” Service For Wealthy Torontonians Boost To Economy

Money, and also a graph

In some much needed good news, city council has unveiled a new plan to revitalize the Soo’s economy: a downtown based “human pavement” service catered towards wealthy Torontonians. Stepping Stones offers customers the speediest and most comfortable human pavement service in Ontario. How it works is simple: using GPS coordinates, verified users will be tracked, and their predicted path will be “paved” by Sooites, paid roughly 10 cents per “step”, who will cast themselves on the ground ensuring the customer’s feet are never sullied by the barren earth below. Premium customers also receive a complimentary cudgel.

While the service may sound tempting to many, only customers who can prove they have a net worth of at least $400,000 may use it.

“My wife and I are originally from Markham, but things were just getting way too out of hand down there with property prices and the lockdown. Now, here, there’s nothing but cheap real estate and dirty poors to kick. It’s like heaven!” according to satisfied customer Felix Falcomata.

“It’s great, me and my children together have probably bought up 5 properties by now, in cash” says Joseph Wu of North York.

“I got about 3 places under my belt so far” says Maxine Williams of Mississauga. “My only real complaints are that it didn’t look like some of the stones, as we call them [Stepping Stones employees] weren’t wearing any masks, and to be frank this city could be a lot more diverse. I only hope these ignorant trailer trash learn the error of their ways before it’s too late”.

Reviews continue to beam with excitement for the service, as wealthy Canadians from all over the country are allegedly looking to relocate to the Soo as well.

While some locals fear the massive influx of affluent migrants could spell disaster for future homeowners in the city, and already well inflated cost of living could continue to soar, experts have assured us that with any luck, the city’s wealthy should pull through these difficult times unharmed.

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