Something rotten is afoot in the Soo, for caitiffs may operate in plain view
With the passage of the sun and the moon, nary a soul can claim to be immune
To the injustices of such swindlers, whom are free to pilfer with gleeful ardour
Those meagre possessions one may hold dear, purchased only through living most austere
An honest day’s labour cast to the wind, a phenomenon quite frequently spin’d
Ground oneself and hear this my tale of woe, for in my heart great sorrow further grows
Merely one night ago a thief trespassed, and before my very eyes he harassed
My stalwart golden retriever and I, as he had turned my lawn into a sty
Hitherto maintained in a pristine state, gardenias now trampled neath wheels of hate
My toolbox in hand a shrill cry rang out, with words so cruel my heart began to rout
“Fuck you, goof” he said riding caracole, his tongue a dagger that could pierce any soul
His motorbike a wicked steed of steel, luxurious steel-toe boots guard his heel
Leather gloves protect his thieving fingers, upon which the scent of cigarettes lingers
Clearly he was a man not lacking wealth, riches the detriment of others’ health
I stepped forth and attempted to give chase, mud whipped from his tires splashed upon my face
As ephemeral as the morning dew, he was quickly disappearing from view
Alas he turned once more into the fray, he rode past shouting “also your dog’s gay”
Toolbox in hand he disappeared from sight, to all others he shall remain a blight
Heart laden with woe I turned to face home, only to witness my own fall of Rome
Scrawled upon my garage door in full view, the words “Goon” and the love of Baby Blue
As ferrous powder settles from the sky, yet more scoundrels from my garage did fly
My car swiftly ransacked and my tires slashed, far from my view the miscreants had dashed
My harrowing yarn now comes to an end, a plea for help to the Soo I do send
I expect all to read this faithfully, accepting those comments made tastefully
May the sun set on this most awful day, and for the record my dog is not gay
Thus ends this man’s most tragic tale, whose toolbox is now up for sale
We would like to keep the Soo safe, from all manner of thieving waif
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The Refuge of Refuse 
Your Dog isn’t gay? Biggest shocker of the story.
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