City Council: Albert and Gore Traffic To Be Directed By Colossal Olmec Statues

Good news, Saultites! City Council has been working hard to improve the notorious accident-prone intersection, and has unveiled exciting new plans to install gigantic Olmec statues in place of stop signs or traffic lights.

History mystery: Olmec Civilization | Elixir Of Knowledge

How it works is simple:

  1. Upon reaching the intersection, the Olmec statue will pose to the motorist a riddle in a bellowing, thunderous voice. The motorist in question will then have approximately thirty seconds to answer before the mighty Olmec’s eyes will glow red and crush the motorist.
  2. At any point during this 30 second period, the great Olmec may declare the oncoming lane to be a bike lane, and accordingly fining the motorist by shooting traffic tickets from its mouth, all of which must be paid within three days.
  3. The omnipotent Olmec may only be approached between the hours of 2:00am – 4:44am CT (Olmec’s preferred time zone) from Sunday to Wednesday, and 3:00pm – 6:01pm CT from Thursday to Saturday. Approaching outside these hours will result in the titanic Olmec to deploy a series of rapidly rotating chains with which to thrash the motorist’s vehicle.
  4. Successfully answering the illustrious Olmec’s riddle will grant the motorist permission to cross the intersection, though only in the direction decreed by the immortal Olmec. It is not advisable for the motorist to return to the intersection, as the Herculean Olmec’s patience will surely wear thin.
  5. Caution is advised in the winter months, as the magnanimous Olmec prefers to spew water from its pristine mouth, so as to freeze the surrounding area (so the indefatigable Olmec may gaze upon its own reflection) . Any motorist approaching faster than 10 km/h will have their tires slashed by the indomitable Olmec, and an arrest warrant will be issued.

The ambitious project should cost the city roughly $40 million, with construction expected to take between four to twenty months, during which time no other maintenance will be conducted throughout the city, given the tremendous amount of manpower needed.

Yet another example of money well spent, and we can’t wait to see it!


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