Report: OPP to Begin Putting Bells on Crackheads

Good news, Ontarians – in order to address the rampant substance abuse problem across the province, the OPP has announced they’ll soon begin attaching bells to known crackheads.

An anonymous source elaborates:

“For one, they’re very festive, we think a lot of people are going to like it for that reason alone. Two, it lets people know there’s probably a crackhead rummaging through their house at that very moment.”

Thus far, Ontarians seem receptive to the idea.

“I don’t really feel scared walking through the streets at night anymore, since now I know if I’m being stalked by a crackhead looking for money or a small bike to steal.” one Sudbury woman told us. “Just the other day I heard some jingling coming from my garage, so I whistled to get his [the crackhead’s] attention and threw some pepperettes down the street. Plus, I think they look cute.”

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