ANKARA – Turkish Minister of Foreign Affairs Mevlüt Çavuşoğlu briefed a group of reporters earlier today that Turkey has obtained intelligence suggesting Russian President Vladimir Putin has been “mad shit-talking” American president Donald Trump “pretty much every day”. “Many of Mr. Putin’s insults I cannot even repeat in public, they are so vile” Çavuşoğlu was quoted as telling reporters. “I will have to share them with my counterpart, Ambassador Satterfield. But I can tell you that Mr. Putin believes he would make a much better husband to Melania, and he also suggested Mr. Trump eats hotdogs like this” to which Çavuşoğlu grasped his hands in front of his mouth, as though holding an invisible pole, and pushed his tongue against his cheek whilst moving his hands in and out from his mouth, in sync with the movement of his tongue against his cheek.
“We understand if America wishes to disengage itself from Syria, we really do. President Erdoğan and I both agree it is totally reasonable for America to not want to install Patriot missiles for us near the Syrian border. It’s just that Mr. Trump certainly looks like, and forgive my language, a huge bitch if he backs down now, after what Mr. Putin has said.” The Turkish military is currently embedded in northwestern Syria in order to bolster its rebel allies in opposition to the Syrian government, which has begun an offensive to capture the last rebel strongholds still within its borders, with support from their Russian allies.