In preparation for the biggest movie release of the year and the most important film for women’s rights since the last shitty action movie with a chick protagonist a few months ago, Disney has announced that they are currently employing black clad death squads, including the iconic Mickey Mouse ears hat, to hunt down and kill any and all “toxic critics” of the upcoming Captain Marvel. Many videos are already circulating online showing the hitmen ruthlessly gunning down and in some cases hacking apart purveyors of toxic masculinity in broad daylight, and often in public places, and we couldn’t be more excited!
The action doesn’t stop there, however – Brie Larson is reportedly patrolling theatres showing her new film in her full Captain Marvel outfit, personally throwing acid on the crotch of any white males she can find. “I’ve said so many times that white males are a plague not only to the planet, but to women’s and minority rights, so the least they could do is allow me to chemically castrate them for the act of existing. So many little girls are looking up to me now – everywhere I go, one’ll run up to me, looking like she has to take a shit 24/7, or like her seat warmer is malfunctioning and her ass is way too hot but she can’t do anything about it so she just keeps driving, and I know that she learned that look from me. It’s touching, truly.” Slay queen!
We, and other critics, could not be more thrilled for this film, and the impact it will inevitably have on global pop culture. In fact, we haven’t even seen it yet, but we already give it a 10/10 and from what we hear, there’s already a few Oscars heading to the cast and crew! If that’s not exciting, then the truckloads of cash Disney’s paying us to endlessly shill their uninspired cynical cash-in on the social ethos that places vacuous ideology ahead of actual talent is! Jesse Mancini, film critic and journalist of the Washington Watchmen had the following to say – “Well, as you’re likely well aware, I could not be more excited for this film’s release, and that’s because just like Black Panther, Wonder Woman and the Ghostbusters reboot, I get a shitload of moolah as long as I keep the knuckle-dragging cro-magnons that flock to these cash-grabs stirred up in a social justice frenzy. It doesn’t matter if there’s been decades of well written and fully capable female protagonists in film, this is the most important film of our time. You see that blue check mark and rose next to my name on Twitter? That means I’ll do anything for a cheque, and find a way to make the viewing and enjoyment of a film sound like the struggle of the common man, even if I’m a spineless corporate whore who hates the lower classes with a passion. Hell, if Disney wanted me to say that Saddam Hussein was the progressive icon of the 21st century I’d do it, and so would plenty of my chums in the entertainment and mainstream media, mostly because we’re spineless hacks with no sense of honour or decency.” Mr. Mancini then proceeded to fan himself with a wad of Disney dollars, reclining in a sofa of papier-mache money.
If all that STILL isn’t enough to get you excited for the film, then we don’t know what else to say except you’re probably a Nazi incel. Go yell about Rhodesia or some shit. You think I know what audiences want? I don’t. Fuck off and watch the movie, it’s not like you’re doing anything useful with your life anyways. Besides that, if you don’t I’ll be devoured by my woke fellow journalists in a terrible orgy of gnashing teeth and blood-caked hipster beards as punishment. So please, watch the movie and be sure to post all sorts of fake encounters with people on Twitter to the tune of “old white guy said film was crap, well actually you’re wrong, the future is female blah blah blah”. I don’t want to die.