Musician loses ears after foolishly neglecting to apply charms at vegan cafe

Jeffrey Laurent of Markham, Ontario has found himself wounded and without ears after playing at a vegan cafe and neglecting to cover his ears in anti-vegan wards. The audience reportedly became enraged upon seeing the unprotected ears and descended upon Mr. Laurent, tearing his ears from his head. Though he has lost a fair amount of blood, his condition is stable and is expected to make a full recovery, though he will remain scarred.

hipster the earless

Mr. Laurent described the ordeal: “I contacted the manager of the Cafe Dharma to arrange a performance and he asked me if I was vegan. I said no, and he sounded kind of worried – I guess it’s a vegan cafe. He asked me to come in an hour early but wouldn’t say why. When I got there, he took me into the back and start putting these stickers all over me of Arby’s and McDonald’s logos, drawing chicken wings and steaks all over me, which I guess are like charms to keep vegans at bay. He must have forgotten about the ears though, because a few minutes into playing, all I could see were these gaunt, jaundiced faces swarming me, and then I felt dozens of bony fingers grabbing at my ears and before I knew it they had torn them off.”

Dave Patel, owner of the Cafe Dharma, nutritionist and vegan, explained the incident: “When that many vegans convene into one place that they recognize as being their territory, the sight of a non-vegan can send them into a rage. The stickers and drawings associated with the consumption of meat act as a sort of ward against this rage, as they’re conditioned to avoid these things. That’s why non-vegans hardly ever visit vegan establishments – the vast majority are unprepared and don’t make it out alive.” Looking back on the incident, Mr. Patel expressed grief at the loss of Mr. Laurent’s ears, though he did say that “I suppose it would have been easier to just coat him in roast beef perfume.”


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