Trudeau: All migrants welcome, except for Zvonimir, Sacker of Salonica

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced this Thursday during a press conference in Vancouver, BC, that “all migrants are welcome in Canada” and that “we are, as a nation, composed of migrants and refugees, and our borders will never be closed to those in need”. When pressed about  the possibility of terrorists infiltrating the country posing as refugees, Trudeau stated that “it’s a risk we’re willing to take, unless Zvonimir, Scourge of Syracuse is among them”.

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A photograph said to resemble Zvonimir, Tormentor of Tyre

“Canada will never be home to one as ruthless as Zvonimir, Slayer of Sigismund of Bavaria, nor will our ports be open to his blood drenched fleet.” Many nations with access to the open sea have been wary in recent years of the appearance of Zvonimir, Plunderer of Palermo on their shores. Last August, the beast-headed bows of Zvonimir, Butcher of Bari appeared on the shores of Corfu, Greece and looted many surrounding villages before setting them alight. The ongoing migrant crisis in Europe has lead many to fear Zvonimir, Despoiler of Dubrovnik, may try disguising one of his raiding parties as a raft of migrants.

Many MPs have criticised Trudeau for not taking a firm enough stance on the issue. This morning, Andrew Scheer stated before parliament that “Should the vessels of Zvonimir, Catastrophe of Crete moor themselves within the St. Lawrence, not only will trade be plundered, you can expect scores of Canadians to be put to the sword, or sold into slavery in the markets of Kaffa.” Likewise, Maxime Bernier has argued that “…without a drastically increased defence budget, our sailors will be as a fluttering salmon to the talons of  Zvonimir, Terror of Tripoli.” Bernier also argued that “The naive policy of open borders pursued by our government will only open the gates for the war hungry raiders of The Monster of Malta (referring to Zvonomir).” Experts state that it is not a matter to be taken lightly – “From the shores of Azov to the beaches of the Baleares, all know only blood and ash follow the horns of Zvonimir, Beast of Burgas” stated one anonymous source. The Prime Minister’s office has yet to comment on these criticisms.

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