Biologists have discovered a new species of jellyfish off the coast of Melbourne capable of devouring humans. The man-eating jellyfish, known scientifically as Cyanea Furtadii, has apparently evolved the ability to mimic human speech, and more specifically the word “cunt”. This is the first known instance of a jellyfish preying on humans, and has thusfar only been found off the coast of southeastern Australia.
“From what we’ve seen, the jellyfish swims close to the shore, and upon sensing a nearby swimmer will call him or her a cunt, at which point the swimmer in question will naturally be itching for a fight.” explains Dr. Bahri of Melbourne University. “It’ll usually call them a cunt a few times, swimming further out to sea with each slur. Eventually, the swimmer’ll get too tired to swim further, at which point they’re pulled under by the jellyfish and eaten.”
When asked how swimmers can protect themselves, Dr. Bahri had this to say – “If you hear something or someone shout cunt while you’re out swimming, just ignore it. If it keeps happening and you just absolutely must punch something in their fat gob, it would be best to just assume it’s someone near you and fight them instead. I’ve only heard of one person successfully beating one of these jellyfish, and he was extremely drunk and managed to catch the little bastard in relatively shallow waters.” Melbourne city council is offering fishermen a bounty of $500 AUD per jellyfish in an effort to cull the man-eaters.