New Buddhist Crisis: Dalai Lama to reincarnate as paralyzed orangutan after being linked pornography

The Tibetan Buddhist community is in crisis as news has emerged that the current Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, accidentally viewed obscene pornography  linked to him on Twitter, thus undoing a lifetime of devotion to meditation and separating himself from worldly want. Experts assert that  it is highly likely he will reincarnate as a quadriplegic orangutan at this rate.

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Efforts are underway to construct an apparatus which will allow movement and communication for the 15th Dalai Lama, who will likely be born somewhere in the  Indonesian jungle. Designs for this apparatus reportedly take much inspiration from that used by the late Stephen Hawking, though the greatest obstacle will be finding a way to interpret communication by an orangutan. While details are limited, depending on the severity of the pornography in question, it is entirely possible the orangutan may also be of lower intelligence than average, further complicating matters.

While experts have not divulged what precisely the Dalai Lama viewed, they have reached a consensus that it was “pretty bad” – the content was directly messaged, and it is thus not open to the public. “If he were a regular guy he would be reborn right in a Naraka, no doubt about it”. It is currently unknown who sent this content to Dalai Lama, though theories range from Chinese agents attempting to undermine the Tibetan exile community, to an unknown provocateur.

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