It’s been nearly impossible these last few days to stay up to date on the latest celebrity gossip and breaking entertainment news due to the election coverage, but worry not! All of the hottest stories have been compiled here, for your viewing pleasure! And to kick things off, speaking of elections…
Kathy Griffin, Alyssa Milano and others vow to continue the fight for 2020 by abducting and cannibalising Republican voters
Kathy Griffin and Alyssa Milano, among some other high-profile Democrat celebs have all taken a vow after last night’s disappointing election results to begin abducting known Republican voters from their homes and consuming their flesh. The announcement, while controversial, is in the opinion of those involved “…punishment for the ignorance of the unwashed, insolent masses.” Talk about Blue Wave meets Red Meat!
Idris Elba to become first person of colour to play Tsar Ivan IV Vasilyevich in Ghostbusters II reboot
At long last, members of the Rurikovich dynasty of colour will finally be getting the representation they deserve in an upcoming reboot of Ghostbusters II, in which Idris Elba will be playing Tsar Ivan IV, better known as Ivan the Terrible. Ivan will be replacing the original antagonist Vigo the Carpathian, and rumour has it that he’ll be a selfie obsessed warlock, not unlike a modern Koschei Bessmertniy, in a role that sounds hilarious, badass, and inspiring in equal measure.
Theresa Caputo was visited by the ghost of Ahmad Shah Massoud the day before 9/11 to warn her of the attack
The Long Island Medium star revealed to reporters on Monday that on the night of September 10th, 2001 she was visited by the spirit of former Afghan Northern Alliance commander Ahmad Shah Massoud, who was assassinated by al-Qaeda the night prior. Massoud was best known for his leadership of Afghan Mujahideen against the Soviets, and later against the Taliban. “He materialised in front of me and was gesturing wildly and trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t understand him because I don’t speak Dari. The next day I realised what he was trying to say and felt absolutely awful”. Talk about a serious case of the Mondays!
Drake breaks the silence: “An apparition of Biggie Smalls leaves two shoes full of .22s at the foot of my bed each night”
Thought there would be only one ghost story this week? Think again! Drake finally came clean and took a huge burden off his shoulders by finally telling the world about his recurring ghost problem. “Every night, no matter where I am, I can hear real heavy footsteps in the hall, and it continues right into my room. It stops at my bed, I hear a long creak, something push down on the bed, and then the creaking leaves the room. It’s always a pair of sneakers [on the bed] with a pistol in each. Usually I’m too scared to watch, but every now and then I’ve taken a peek, and it’s always a Slimer-green Biggie Smalls.” These regular ghostly visits have had a bigger impact on his career than you might think. “It started happening when I was about 15. I actually got into rapping to try and appease Biggie’s restless spirit, but so far it hasn’t worked.” Tough crowd, huh?
NBC to replace Megyn Kelly with a Tulpa replica after blackface controversy
Last but not least, in the aftermath of Megyn Kelly’s termination from NBC for her comments regarding the appropriateness of blackface, it has been announced that a perfect Tulpa replica will be acting as her replacement. The Tulpa, which in Buddhist mysticism is a being given existence through thought, will be animated and maintained by a team of six Tibetan monks meditating in unison. NBC hopes that this will smooth over the termination with fans, while assuring those outraged by Kelly’s comments that the monks will receive weekly briefings on the importance of the Tulpa not following in her footsteps.