The Future is Now: Amazon’s Alexa will now laugh nervously whenever you mention killing yourself

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos announced this Tuesday that the popular virtual assistant Alexa will now nervously laugh whenever it hears its owner make a remark implying intent to commit suicide.

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“You hear it all the time – ‘Oh God, another day at the office, just fucking kill me’, or ‘Jesus Christ, please just strike me dead now’ whenever someone thinks about their work week, or marital status, or really anything. And we thought, Alexa’s right there, wouldn’t it be great if we could incorporate a greater level of user interaction with this?”

Considerable deliberation went into how these changes would be implemented, however. “I mean, there were so many ways Alexa could respond. First we thought, maybe she could recommend mental health services? But no, we know 99% of the time the person in question isn’t gonna go through with it. So then, okay, she knows it’s a joke – why not laugh? But the demos were a little too hearty, like she goading you to do it. That’s when we decided it would be best if she laughed, but only hesitantly, you know, to convey discomfort.”

The update is expected to be officially released next week. When asked about any other future plans for Alexa, Bezos stated that we can soon expect Alexa to ask when users plan on getting married and having kids, as well as snicker if it detects the user masturbating.

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